My Music - A Gift I Lost

In recent times, a couple of my school friends asked me, 'why did you stop singing?'. Until then I did not realize that I was not doing the 'real' singing I used to do. I had forgotten that I used to Sing,sIng,siNg,sinG SING all the time! If not excellent I was atleast passable.

Only after my friends asked me 'why', a memory buried sooo deep that I had forgotten about it for nearly 7 years surfaced. I was in the 10th grade that time. There were two of us girls, who sang at almost all the events. The other one was a first ranker, excellent in music, so in short - a star. On the other hand I was like a sidekick, I get to sing at the school assembly and she sings at the Annual Day... well, you get the picture. I did not bother about being not-as-good-as-her in music, I was happy until I was given the chance to sing.

And then this happened. There was some kinda contest, and the school choir gets to sing in front of some music director. And we all felt like 'really wow!'. And then when we assembled, at the library if I'm right, to decide on who stays on the choir and who doesn't, I was chucked out. I can still feel it. (in a slow motion) That state of shock, disappointment, shame. Brings back tears to think of it. The reason I was given for being chucked out was that I was an average student: "Kumutha, you are an average student, but *other girl* is not so. You cannot manage your studies and these practice sessions will affect you. So you cannot sing."

That day I was silent. Very silent. People who know me will know the significance. I am seldom silent. Mom knew, but I did not open up immediately. I ran to the terrace to cry silently. I felt ashamed for being rejected, for being called average(which is a truth nobody had thrown at me until then), for getting a 'you cannot' on the face. I felt like I let everybody down. I dont even know why I am writing this but I need to get this out of my system.

I had been learning music from my 3rd grade until my 7th grade (every monday and friday in the evening after school). Since my teacher found it inconvenient to teach us in the evenings she asked us to come to her place in the weekends. I enrolled for her classes. I was at the stage of geetham when this transition happened. And, I had learnt 2, just 2 geethams in a span of six months. All that I was doing at the class was pay her to play the shruthi box while the other students sang. This was not working so I stopped my classes. I do not know if this had something to do with the rejection that day. It does not matter now. All that matters now is that, I lost something I loved.

Well on a lighter note, it would have been a relief for some of my relatives and friends. I demanded audience even when I was practicing! Sang sa-ni-sa-ni invariably everytime my uncle came home, kept singing late into the night until I fell asleep. I am not able to get a simple song right anymore. I feel shy to sing these days. Sigh. My bad.

My Dear even-if-not-excellent-atleast-passable music talent,

Wherever you are, I want you to know that I miss you.
And, I made a mistake in letting you go. I feel very sorry for that.

Love.

P.S: idhellam padichittu naan ennamo P.Susheela, MS amma madhiri ellam padittu irundhaennu nenachukka koodadhu. Enga veetukkum enakkum naan thaan MS, P.susheela ellam. you know what they say about the crow, kaakkaikkum than kunju pon kunju.